Super-Villain Style

I heard that Roger Ebert had to be rushed to the hospital over the weekend because a blood vessel in his salisbury steak gland ruptured. I think it had too much gravy in it. Hmmmm, mushrooms.

Wait. Breaking news. It was actually his salivary gland, whatever the hell that is. I think it has something to do with spitting. I’m pretty sure his wife won’t be getting her prospects checked out anytime soon. You know what I’m talking about. I know you do. Sickos.

Whenever you hear someone say it, salivary, you don’t know what they’re talking about. From hearing it, I’m thinking it’s some gland in his leg or in his belly. But when I actually saw the word, I knew it had something to do with his mouth.

Fun Fact: Did you know that Roger Ebert was married to a big black woman? I knew part of it, the part where he was married to a black chick. What I didn’t know was that she was bigger than him. It looks like Ebert likes a little jelly in his roll. Know what I’m saying? The more the jelly, the better the thumbing, or the pudding. Wait. That’s Bill Cosby. That doesn’t come from me. That comes from his late partner, Siskel, who was actually a heterosexual.

Yeah, that’s surprising to me also.

Here’s hoping you get well soon, you plump brother. And to help you along, I put up two videos from the good ole times when your homie Siskel was still alive.

That chick to the left, the black one. She played in Clueless with that cracked-out Murphy chick, and Alicia Whateverhernameis. I think the dude from Scrubs, the Faizon dude, played her boyfriend. From what I remember, Faizon and this chick, Stacey Dash, played the same characters in the movie and in the television series that followed. After the television show went off the air, both of them went into obscurity, at least until Scrubs hit the air. Then I was able to point to the screen and say, “Ain’t that that chick who played Rosanne’s daughter for a year or two. Oh, I know that bald-headed black dude. I know I’ve seen him before. He played the bald-headed black dude who had this gay dude as a friend and they used to rap all fruity. Yeah, I know that negro”

Well, anyway, getting back to the Dash chick. She was last seen in a Kanye West video with her nipples poking out. She had an unforgettable scene where she gets out of a car in a short dress. I’ve spent hours on hours trying to see if I could see any beaver in any of those shots, with no luck. And here I find out I didn’t have to waste all that time on that because she’ll be posing nude in the August Playboy. Yippee. If only she had done this a decade ago.

I’m not complaining. Okay, I am complaining even though I shouldn’t. I should be happy to see any woman naked. I just don’t like checking out chicks over forty, even though she sort of looks like Vanessa Williams. Okay, she doesn’t look like Vanessa Williams, but she sort of aged like her. They’re both forty or over, and they look hot. Only difference is, I’d still do an over forty Vanessa Williams. I’m still on the fence with this Stacey Dash chick.

It must suck to be Charlie Murphy. How can a man be a man when his little brother is a bigger man than he is? Charlie Murphy, the funnier Murphy, at least presently, will always be known as Eddie Murphy’s brother.

The dude is all over the place. I hear his voice-overs everywhere, most recently playing a crazy white dude with Samuel L. Jackson in the Boondocks cartoon series. And through his backstory and history, he gave Dave Chappelle the foundation for what may be seen as some of the greatest comedy sketches ever, the ‘C’ Hollywood Stories series.

I hear he’s developing a television show of his own. I don’t know what it’s about, but I hope it’s funny, because black people always need something to laugh at. That’s something that black people have with the Jews: we can’t get enough of funny comedians. Only difference is that black comedy is different from Jew comedy, not necessarily funnier, just different.

I actually thought about being a comedian once, but I doubt if I would have made it. I think you have to be funny to be a comedian, and I’m just not that funny. Maybe if I had a little Jew in me, I would be on my way to being hilarious, or gay, and unsatisfied. Ba-Dump-Dump!

You know, the other day, I had these really bad cramps in my stomach. It must have been from all that Taco Bell I had a few hours earlier. I tell you, the Taco Bell can sure play games on a brother’s stomach. That’s why I had to go in a corner and relieve myself. And then I got off the bus… (Silence) Ba-Dump-Dump!

I tell ya, (Bump-Bump) is this thing on (Bump-Bump). Hurry up, take my wife please. PLEASE!

This whole digg is about how Wisconsin has finally passed a date rape law including alcohol as a possible intoxicant to be used in cases where the chick hasn’t passed out yet, but is still unable to control her thoughts and movements. Some call this progress. I call it crap.

What ever happened to the good ole days where you went out with friends, spotted a hot chick, sent drink after drink her way hoping to get her all liquored up, and hopefully took her back to your car to get some drunk slut lovin’.

Back then, nobody called it rape. It was how young folks mated. Sure, the chick would occasionally catch something, or find herself pregnant by some dude she doesn’t even half know, but I say those problems pale in comparison to the memories she’ll probably cherish for years on end — if she happens to remember any of it.

And what about the millions of dudes who won’t get laid because of crap laws like this. What about those unfortunate blokes? Didn’t think about them, huh, you liberal feminist pig. Didn’t think about the millions of lonely dudes who will have to go back to the sinful practice of choking the chicken. did you? Of course not, because you don’t have testicles. Because if you did, you wouldn’t permit this injustice to continue across America.

We all know, one minute you’re juicing the fruit, next thing, you’re pumping the fruit. We all know that self-manipulation leads to circle-jerking, and circle-jerking leads to male lovin, and male lovin leads to gay marriage. And gay marriage leads to burning in hell. All because you won’t let the young ladies make the liberated choice of getting drunk-stupid and sleeping with a group of my friends — I mean, some friends.

Everyday America sickens me more than it did the day before. All this liberal media and social sinfulness. Maybe we’ll finally come to our senses as a nation and go back to the ways that were tried and true, where young girls got liquored up and had sex they couldn’t remember the next morning, therefore foregoing the trauma that goes with not being a virgin anymore, and getting pregnant and blaming it on on a immaculate conception or something, possibly having a backwatered abortion nobody will ever know about, and dying on the table in sin like she’s supposed to. Have her parents blame her death on a bad cold or something and dump her in a unmarked hole, never to be talked about again. That’s how it’s supposed to be. Now we’ve just passed another law that will continue taking us to a place we won’t be able to come back from.

Makes me wanna vomit.

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Damn, Saved By the Bell is becoming the new Diff’rent Strokes. First, I find out that the chick that played Lisa might have been a crack head. Then, I find out that the dude that played Slater might have beat down Ali Landry on some Ike Turner crap. Now, I find out that Screech is out begging for loose change and selling crappy t-shirts here so he can continue feeding himself and keep his home.

And who knows what’s going on with Mr. Belding. I can see child porn charges in his future.

The only good to come out of that show, outside the mindless jackin’ off I did when it was on, is that that chick who plays the fat dude’s wife on Queen of Kings, or the other way around, whatever, has lost most of her baby fat, and by baby fat, I mean the fat she put on when she had them babies, at least I think it was babies, because she was fat a long time.

It looked like she was preg-a-nant for about the last three years. Every time I turned to look at the show, she was fat. So, I’m hoping she was pregnant two different times, because if she was fat for two to three years, then she shouldn’t even be on my television anymore.

Only fat people who should get and stay on television are those who were fat when I first saw them. Like Oprah. She’s been fat since a I first saw her, so it’s okay she stay fat. I’m trying to think of other fat examples, but nothing else is coming to mind. I don’t think there are that many fat people on the small screen, and that’s a good thing. Because if you’re skinny when I first see you, you can’t get fat and stay on the television. And if you were fat when I first saw you, then you have to stay fat, unless you look better skinny.

Take that Sara Rue chick. She was kind of hot fat, and then she decided to lose the weight. Now I don’t know if I like her very much. She looks okay, but she doesn’t have all that juicy whiteness to her that she had before. Now she looks just like every other white chick, except more elderly, and that’s bad.

Because you have to stand out if you wanna be on television. You have to have a niche. Dave Chappelle looks like a weeded out crackhead; Andy Dick looks like a super gay child pornographer; and Sara Rue looked like a really juicy looking white girl. That was her gimmick. Now, she’s gone and ruined it. And that’s why she doesn’t have a television show anymore, and probably never will again. Dumb ass.

They killed that dude over in Iraq. Now if he was somebody else, I might mourn a little bit, but even his own people can’t stand him. When you pile up the bodies of infidels like homie did, you’d think that Osama would have love for you, but even he couldn’t stand old boy. That’s probably the reason dude was blown up. He didn’t have the type of loyalty and protection the real AQ Crew gets on a regular basis up in those mountains. Those dudes live like that rat that’s been chilling at my place.

I spent over forty dollars trying to catch that bastard and I ain’t caught crap. I got glue traps, poisonous bait, and those round D-Con things that are supposed to snap close when the rat gets inside. Good ole’ Ben has been jumping and dodging my crap like he’s running one of those Olympic track relays. I saw his big fluffy self by my refridgerator, his tail stuck on one of the glue tracks. He squealed a little, then broke free and ran behind the fridge. I haven’t seen his filthy ass since then. But I know he’ll be back, so I need something that will finally get him for good. I honestly don’t care what it is. He just has to be gone so I don’t have to keep worrying about him crawling in my bed and peeing on my face. Ewwww. I hate’em.

Straight Doo-Doo. The Pirates win again!

Yesterday, ThePirateBay.org spokesperson “brokep” informed Slyck.com “we are moving it to another country if necessary.” It appears ThePirateBay.org is making good on this promise. Carl Lundström, employee of Rix|Port80 told Slyck.com “As I take it, they have bought new servers, installed back-ups and are already up and running tests in at least one foreign server centre.”

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The Booties Been Seized

Dangnammit, copyright laws. I just found out that the police seized the Pirate Bay servers.

The seizure of ThePirateBay.org’s entire server farm will guarantee this BitTorrent tracker will remain offline until the police complete their investigation. The uncertainty on the part of the police may stem from the fact The PirateBay.org’s servers only host .torrent files, not actual copyrighted material..

It really isn’t that big of a deal to me. I really didn’t use Pirate Bay for anything more than television shows, or the occasional weekly comic book release. So, it won’t mean much in terms of my, uh, personal looting. But still, i respected those Swedish dudes over there. I liked how they laughed in authority’s face. If they don’t ever come back, I’m gonna miss’em.

More info can be found at the Wiki, and at http://piratbyran.blogspot.com/, but that last site is for those that understand Swedish.

Tomorrow will be the last day for Katie Couric on the Today Show. She leaves to take a summer sabbatical, taking the time to prepare for her move over to CBS and the evening news slot. This story has had almost as much traction than the Pitt-Jolie baby thingie. By the way, exactly what was “it” that they had? I’m sorry. I really haven’t been paying attention.

Couric has been the co-host of the Today Show for nearly 15 years, taking the job after Deborah Norville was sent packing with her tail in between her legs. Couric made an admirable foe for host Bryant Gumbel, her perky, blah-blah-blah in comparison of his blah-blah-blah. You know, I can’t do this. I tried for a minute to do respectable hard-hitting entries. But I can’t do it. I just don’t care enough. And you have to care enough to want to do the news.

I guess that’s why Couric was named the new host of the CBS Evening News. Maybe she cares a lot, at least a lot more than me. Plus, she’s cute. Sure, she’s pushing 50, but it’s a hot 50. Sometimes I look at Couric and forget that she’s 49, and a mother of two. I bet her kids aren’t much younger than me. I think they both might be teen-agers. Maybe they’re 19 or something. Under the right circumstances, I could possibly become Couric’s new son-in-law. I bet she’d like that.

The only problem with the whole thing would be that I’d be far more into Mama Couric than I would my own wife. I’d love my wife, but I’d want to do her mother. I bet that makes me a sick pervert, wanting to do my mother-in-law. But I wouldn’t be able to help it, because I’ve been digging Couric since she came on the Today Show.

She wasn’t all that hot when she first came on. The short hair and the fat belly just didn’t do it for me. Plus, her clothing wasn’t all that revealing either. She sort of looked like Patricia Heaton during the early years of the Everybody Loves Raymond show.

In fact, both women went through the same transformation in terms of looks. It probably wasn’t during the same exact time, because Everybody Loves Raymond wasn’t on when Couric started the Today Show. But both women went through the same on-air transformation, where their looks got vamped up.

Unfortunately, Couric’s came about hers after her husband died of colon cancer. I guess, after going through that long bout of the disease with her husband, and finding herself all alone in the end, she felt the need to do something different, which included coloring her hair blonde.

But since then, she’s turned up the hot factor. The older she’s gotten, the sexier she’s become, her body becoming more toned, and her skin, more tanned. Before, I adored her. Now, I want her, which, I guess, makes it a good move on CBS’s part for getting Couric to switch. Because, before, I never watched the CBS Evening News. Now, I’ll at least be checking it out for the first month or so, just so I can continue seeing my girl.

These pictures have been floating around the web for the past week or so. And I’ve been asked a couple of times to put them up. But I’m not the biggest Christina Aguliera fan, so I just couldn’t see myself putting up a photo album of her crap.

I personally find her kind of skanky. I hate those fake large breasts on her tiny little frame. Skinny, tiny chicks can’t pull off big fake breasts, and they’re the first ones to try to get some. And I liked her better as a brunette, although she was getting a little bit too chunky for her on good during that period. She might have been trying to live out her inner latina. But now she’s back to being white.

She went back to her bottled blonde and lost the weight. And for the past year, I think she’s just been walking around, showing off her boobs, because I haven’t heard a song, or heard that a new cd was coming out. Not that it would matter, because I don’t even download her stuff. But I can admit that she has some talent, but like Mariah, she seems to want to waste it on stage histrionics.

So, she’s been nothing more than an afterthought for the past couple of years, sort of like Britney. Although, I think Britney still has photographers stalking her. Who said having a baby by a worthless clown wasn’t a good career move?

Christina was supposed to have done Playboy last year, or the year before that. These pictures make me wish she had. There are only five of them, and I only put up three. The only two I didn’t put up were the one with her in some kind of tight black bottom with her bending over (a position she’s probably been in hundreds of times), and the cover shot, which is pretty similar to one of the other three pictures in the shoot.

And she’s looking kind of tight, especially the one where she’s sitting on the bed with a bed sheet and her hand covering her bare breast. She’s definitely naked, and she probably wouldn’t mind showing more for the right money. Hear me Hef?