I thought about starting my next novel with that last sentence.  It makes no sense, but I thought it was an attention grabber.  People would read it and wonder what it was.  Of course, I plan to never reveal it, only referring to it as it. 

People might talk about it, but I probably will never actually describe it.  I figure people would read through a crappy novel just to find out what it was, and then get pissed when it is never revealed. 

From this point people might talk to their friends, get on the internet, im, forums, blogs and write crap about how crappy the book is, the book that never reveals what it is.  They’d go on and on about how they felt cheated when they got to the end of the book and it was still it and nothing more.  And they’d blog and write about how the book’s a ripoff, and how I’m a crappy writer. 

They’d bitch about wanting to get their money back.  They’d do all of this, not knowing how I had orchestrated the entire thing to gain publicity.  They’d never know that the entire novel was a con, to gain money.  The more they talk about the book, the more popular it becomes. 

And then I’ll take that popularity and get a movie deal out of it.  And while promoting the making of the movie, I’ll reveal that I was about to start writing the sequel to the book with no reveal, a new novel where I promise to reveal everything.  And in fact, I’ll probably sell the rights to the book before I actually write a thing.

I assume that it’ll be spectacular, with me being rich in the end.  Or not.  Maybe

That’s right, folks.  I need cash.  And I’m willing to do just about anything for it, and I mean ANYTHING.  You want a kidney?  I’m your man.  You need a piece of my liver?  Come on down.  You want to see my butt-naked with only a yellow pamper on me?  Just tell me when and where.  I don’t give a damn.  I’m willing to sell my ass for a couple of fifties.  I’m willing to lie about loving Kentucky Grilled Chicken.  I willing to sit though X-Men Origins: Wolverine.  But only if you’re willing to name the right price.

That’s why I’m back, posting on this crap after two or so years of being absent.  I need the ad revenue.  And I was told by one of my financial advisers that the only way I was going to get more ad revenue is if I post more.  And not just post more, but post more about crap that’ll drive all you Iranians back to my door to click more crappy ads. 

And just so you know I’m not kidding, and this isn’t a one time in a year thing, I’m going to give you peoples the one thing I’ve never given another living soul on this earth before, and I don’t mean my penis.  Because my penis is a whore and has been given to all types of women and stuff.  They call my penis, Pimpmaster Penis, because it’s a pimp,… and a penis. 

No.  The one thing I plan to give to all of you who visit this site from now on, is my word.  Yep.  Just like Scarface.  The only thing I have is my balls and my word.  And I’ll only break one of the three for the right price.  So, if you want me to break my left ball, then I’ll do it.  I’ll still have an unbroken right ball and my word.  And if you want me to break my right ball, I’ll do that too.  I’ll still have my left ball and my word.  And I might even break my word, cause I’ll still have my left and my right ball, and my balls are more important than my word.  But for the right price, I might break both my balls, because at least I’ll still have my word, and I’d be filthy rich also.

So, there you have it, I give you my word that I will post at least once a week to this shitty ass site, unless, of course, someone pays me well enough to make me break my word.  And then, there won’t be anymore posts.  But, like I said earlier, I’m willing to break both my balls for the right price, or one of my balls for less than the right price, or my word, for a couple of dollars.

The truth be told, I told myself that I wouldn’t post anything worthwhile to this site ever again. I figured I’d just rest off of making my pennies and dimes off of shitty ass ads. And who knows, after tonight, maybe I just will. But for the time being, for this moment, I plan to share myself with my people, if only but for one night. Because my heart is hurting, and I’m filled with fear.

See. Yesterday, as the story goes, I went to work, thinking to myself, that all I wanted to do was make it through the day without any bullshit happening. And by bullshit, I meant work related bullshit. All I wanted was to get to Friday, get my paycheck, cash it, and go home.

Sure, all the money would go to bills anyway, but shit, a bill paid is another month with a place to live, some central air in these hot, muggy days, some hot water to wash my ass up with, and some food. And if I made it to Friday without any shit happening, I’d have just that. But by the end of the day, I found out that Baby Jesus and the forces of nature had something else planned.

I came home Wednesday, got my mail and checked my calls like I normally do. And on the phone, the voice mail, the caller i.d. were phone calls from relatives, relatives, the majority I only see or hear from every blue moon. So, I knew some shit had happened.

I quickly called my mother. She didn’t answer her home phone. So, I hit her up on her cell phone. She picked up. I asked her what had happened. Instead of telling me, she said she was on the way to my place once my sister came and picked her up. And right afterwards, she hung up.

At that moment, a chill ran down my spine. The worst went through my mind. I thought my grandmother had died. But the thing is, my mother didn’t sound like her only mother had just left this earth. But by her not telling me, I knew it had to be someone in my family I really cared about. If it hadn’t, why wouldn’t she had just told me over the phone.

So, I went back to the phone and listened to all the messages. Most didn’t reveal much. Then, went through the caller i.d. again. I checked to see who had called me that seemed out of the ordinary.

And there I spotted, back to back, two cousins who I hadn’t seen in years. One of them, I used to be close to, and the other was one of those distant relatives you only see at family picnics and other weird shit like that. These two woman were sisters who really didn’t get along. This made me think that my eldest aunt had died. And to be honest, to tell the sickening truth, I was a little relieved.

Because by then, my mind had started thinking the worst. I wondered if my cousin, who’s a police officer, had been killed on the job. I wondered why my sister was picking up my mother, and from where. My mother never told me where she was at. I thought maybe my little nephew had died. And I just wanted to hit something. But then I thought, my mother would’ve sounded worser if it was her grandchild.

Then, I hoped it was just someone I didn’t really care about like, I don’t know, my crackhead uncle. I got a little sad for the moment, but soon, I felt an unexpected sense of freedom. What if he was dead? Then, a big part of my problems would die with him.

At this moment, I was really hoping it was him. And then, I thought things might not be so bad if it was my eldest aunt. Sure, I would be sad, but I saw myself getting over that grief pretty quickly. Soon after, I went through the list of distant cousins, aunts and uncles I probably wouldn’t be too fucked up over. And I could feel a calming feeling coming over me.

It was at this moment my mother came through the door. She was with my sister and a cousin I actually like. They quickly told me that another aunt had been killed. She had been hit by a car early that Wednesday morning trying to catch a bus to work.

Then, they asked if I had seen any police cars or ambulances on my bus route to work. And I told them that I had. They relayed that I had passed the scene right after the accident had occurred. And for a moment, I was stunned. The ambulance that I had glanced at on the bus probably held the body of my dead aunt.

I wondered why I wasn’t as sad as I thought I should have been. The only time I felt any sense of loss was when I thought of passing the accident. And the only real thing I’ve ever felt since hearing she passed is what I feel today, anxiety and fear.

My mother later came back to me. She said she wanted to use my copier to make out some prints of the police report. Apparently some members of my family believe the accident may have been a hit and run. Some think there might be a wrongful death suit in the works. She told me she was making copies for a cousin who might file the claim for the family. Then she whispered something I feared hearing. Apparently, one of my relatives overheard two other aunts plotting to take over the late aunt’s insurance policy and other finances.

At that moment, fear went through my body. I was expecting nothing less. Unfortunately, when it comes to money, my family is like a a group of baby rapists in a day care. And I wouldn’t doubt that any one of them would slit my throat in a minute if large amounts of cash was on the line.

My mother told me that she had slowly, overnight, set up a Coalition of the Free of family members to take on the Axis of Evil that had formed the day before. The Coalition of the Free wanted to free the Axis of Evil of any money they might try to take hold of. And at that very moment, Coalition of the Free members were at the home of the dead aunt trying to free her home of any financial papers before the Axis of Evil could get their hands on anything. The only snag, Axis of Evil members were already at the home helping to “tidy” things up. And furthermore, my mother was on her way back to the battleground to join her members-in-arms.

When she left, I noted a distinct since of disturbance within my body, as if the bile deep within my belly was about to explode upward through my mouth and nose like a great volcano. I truly needed to sit. And as I sat, I remembered a conversation I had with one of the male cousins that had visited that day.

I remember telling him that the people I feared the most were the ones closest to me, like my family. He became upset that I would think that a family member would do any other family member any real harm. And I threw at him fake facts, shit I had overheard somewhere, like the news or something. I gave him this shit all tidied with fake bullshit percentages and everything.

Like: most people are more likely to be killed by someone they know then by a stranger. And, in fact, over 40% of all murders are committed by family members towards another family member. True. That’s why when a wife goes missing, the first place the cops look is at the husband. And when a kid is killed, the first suspects are the parents, or at least the filthy fuck up the mother is shacking up with. That’s why the person you should fear the most is the person that drinks with you, and smokes with you, and shares the same DNA.

He then angrily said that our family was nothing like that. Then I brought up a fucked up, cracked out female cousin who was known to steal from relatives. I asked my cousin if he thought that was right? He responded that he didn’t think that was right. Then I brought up my cousin’s brother, who’s a known thug. I asked him if he thought it was brotherly when his brother stole his new pair of Air Force Ones. He said that it wasn’t right. So, I responded, if his brother would do something un-brotherly like steal from him, what would stop his un-brother from doing worse, like murder. And at this moment, my cousin sat still.

Because he knew the old adage, if you lie, you steal. And if you steal, what on earth would stop you from killing.

That’s why, in this world, every man should know never ever to trust no one, which probably means trust everybody but actually means, always keep your gun loaded especially when family comes-a-calling.

By the way, you can use that in the chorus of your next rap song.

P.S. If you don’t hear from me again, expect that a relative has come and killed me.

Next week, I’m thinking of going with Tera Patrick or Jenna Jameson, but I can’t find too many pictures right now with them NOT exposing their goods. So, who knows.

And just as I promised earlier, I finally posted some of those Eva Mendes photos. You can catch the 27 of them, some old, some semi-old, over in the Deadly Weapon section.

Next week, Keeley Hazel and Evangeline Lilly should get an update. And by next weekend, there should be an official Christina Aguilera section.

The other change is that I’m working on a new logo for the site. I’m thinking of combining my old Doom/Magneto header with my current one. People seemed to like the old header. As you may also noticed, I’ve joined Text-Link-Ads. I was trying to find another ad spot to replace Adsense. I’m still using Adsense on my other sites, but unfortunately, I can’t used them on here.

Last thing. I’ve decided that the next gallery up will be Eva Mendes. She’s been doing a lot of great photo shoots the past year, including that pull out she showed on Leno. Most of those photos should be up by the weekend.

To Katie, I really appreciate you giving yourself out like that. It makes me proud that young girls across the world are sending out pretty little messages to nice young gentlemens such as myself.

For awhile I thought I had lost it. I haven’t had a date in four months. And I haven’t gotten laid since the beginning of last summer. In fact, I only recently knocked a good one out after a six month drought. I think I was due one.

So, when I got that little message from Katie, and that sweet little picture of her posing in her white top and little black skirt, I nearly flipped my wig. It was a welcomed sight, and it made a lonely boy happy again.

So, again, thank you Katie. You’ve once again made Uncle Sam proud. And I hope that one day we might meet. Word to Chris Hansen.

On to site news. If you’ve been here before, you’d know that the site hasn’t been updated in ages. Well, that’s about to change, along with several other things. First, this page will be dedicated to site updates and other little craps of news. And the blog that used to be here will continued to be half-assedly updated over in the Old Style section. Playboy, Maxim and other chick news and pics will be posted in the Rabbit Head section, which may undergo a name change. And new pics will be posted to the Deadly Weapon section in the next week or so.

Check back here for any new news or updates.

Peace Out.