Can You Feel The Rain
09:15 am - Sometimes, when it rains, it pours. Like a cold thundery night. Like Nighttrain. Or Dayquil.
11:36 am - I just read that Pluto ain’t no planet no more. So, what does that make it, eight planets. Only thing is, I also heard that they had discovered two or three more planets, meaning this solar system actually had 12 or 13, instead of nine planets. So, does that mean we have 11 planets now? I don’t know. And I know if I don’t know, the kids in the public schools don’t know either. And for that fact alone, I suggest that there should be no questions about the solar system on any standardized tests for, let’s say, the next decade. Maybe then the scientists will have made up their minds on how many planets actually exist.
01:45 pm - Apparently the apocalypse is near because I heard that Tom Cruise got fired a couple of days ago. It’s been all over the news, and I mean the real news, not that crap from Access Hollywood and Entertainment Tonight. So, that must mean it’s some really serious stuff. When (insert your favorite anchorman) leads off the evening news with some Tom Cruise crap, and pushes real shit like Iraq, or Iran, or Lebanon, or even South Korea to the side, then you know it’s major league. In fact when I heard he had been kicked to the side, I had to do an obligatory spit-take. It was almost a big a shock then when I heard that Crunchy Black was leaving Three 6 Mafia. Both times, I found myself completely devastated after hearing the news. Straight suicidal.
Apparently, Cruise’s studio bosses thought he was too weird to continue making movies for Paramount. I guess he was just too scary for them. And I guess I can see their point. When your religion centers around an evil alien dumping bodies in valcanoes, and you start spitting mental health advice, I can see people distancing themselves from you.
I also read that Mission Impossible didn’t meet the studios expectations for what they consider a blockbuster, even though the movie still made money. And even though the movie made money, because Cruise takes such a large cut, the studio might not break even. And I can only guess that may be the real reason he was tossed like last week’s ham and cheese sandwich.
That’s why it sickens me, to the point of internal bowel upheavel, that the old cootie, Red Sumner, or Reg Southfork, or J.R. Redding, decided to use Cruise’s rants on Scientology and Katie Holmes (both one and the same) as an excuse for the Whitener - my little nickname for Tom - being fired. We all know that it doesn’t matter how weird you are, or how coked up your nose is, or how heroined out your veins are, in Hollywood, anything and everything can be forgiven if the right people get the right amount of dough in their pockets.
And unfortunately for Cruise, his dough came up short. And like any other hoe, his ass had to be pimped down. Bishop Red Don Sumner had to perform some good old-fashioned hoeostifizing. He had to break Cruise down like Jesus. Beat’em down like Ike did Tina. Put the smackdown on his candy ass. You know what I’m saying.
Recently
Leave a Reply