Poor Man Carrington
It's been awhile since I talked to my people. I've been too busy trying to pay the rent to keep shit right. And because of that, I've lost my voice, and my ears, and maybe my eyes.
The truth be told, I told myself that I wouldn't post anything worthwhile to this site ever again. I figured I'd just rest off of making my pennies and dimes off of shitty ass ads. And who knows, after tonight, maybe I just will. But for the time being, for this moment, I plan to share myself with my people, if only but for one night. Because my heart is hurting, and I'm filled with fear.
See. Yesterday, as the story goes, I went to work, thinking to myself, that all I wanted to do was make it through the day without any bullshit happening. And by bullshit, I meant work related bullshit. All I wanted was to get to Friday, get my paycheck, cash it, and go home.
Sure, all the money would go to bills anyway, but shit, a bill paid is another month with a place to live, some central air in these hot, muggy days, some hot water to wash my ass up with, and some food. And if I made it to Friday without any shit happening, I'd have just that. But by the end of the day, I found out that Baby Jesus and the forces of nature had something else planned.
I came home Wednesday, got my mail and checked my calls like I normally do. And on the phone, the voice mail, the caller i.d. were phone calls from relatives, relatives, the majority I only see or hear from every blue moon. So, I knew some shit had happened.
I quickly called my mother. She didn't answer her home phone. So, I hit her up on her cell phone. She picked up. I asked her what had happened. Instead of telling me, she said she was on the way to my place once my sister came and picked her up. And right afterwards, she hung up.
At that moment, a chill ran down my spine. The worst went through my mind. I thought my grandmother had died. But the thing is, my mother didn't sound like her only mother had just left this earth. But by her not telling me, I knew it had to be someone in my family I really cared about. If it hadn't, why wouldn't she had just told me over the phone.
So, I went back to the phone and listened to all the messages. Most didn't reveal much. Then, went through the caller i.d. again. I checked to see who had called me that seemed out of the ordinary.
And there I spotted, back to back, two cousins who I hadn't seen in years. One of them, I used to be close to, and the other was one of those distant relatives you only see at family picnics and other weird shit like that. These two woman were sisters who really didn't get along. This made me think that my eldest aunt had died. And to be honest, to tell the sickening truth, I was a little relieved.
Because by then, my mind had started thinking the worst. I wondered if my cousin, who's a police officer, had been killed on the job. I wondered why my sister was picking up my mother, and from where. My mother never told me where she was at. I thought maybe my little nephew had died. And I just wanted to hit something. But then I thought, my mother would've sounded worser if it was her grandchild.
Then, I hoped it was just someone I didn't really care about like, I don't know, my crackhead uncle. I got a little sad for the moment, but soon, I felt an unexpected sense of freedom. What if he was dead? Then, a big part of my problems would die with him.
At this moment, I was really hoping it was him. And then, I thought things might not be so bad if it was my eldest aunt. Sure, I would be sad, but I saw myself getting over that grief pretty quickly. Soon after, I went through the list of distant cousins, aunts and uncles I probably wouldn't be too fucked up over. And I could feel a calming feeling coming over me.
It was at this moment my mother came through the door. She was with my sister and a cousin I actually like. They quickly told me that another aunt had been killed. She had been hit by a car early that Wednesday morning trying to catch a bus to work.
Then, they asked if I had seen any police cars or ambulances on my bus route to work. And I told them that I had. They relayed that I had passed the scene right after the accident had occurred. And for a moment, I was stunned. The ambulance that I had glanced at on the bus probably held the body of my dead aunt.
They stayed for awhile and told me that the family was gathering over at the dead aunt's house. I told them that I wouldn't be joining them. They left, and I stayed in the silence, my thoughts continuing to work through my head.
I wondered why I wasn't as sad as I thought I should have been. The only time I felt any sense of loss was when I thought of passing the accident. And the only real thing I've ever felt since hearing she passed is what I feel today, anxiety and fear.
When I opened up the door the next day after a day of bullshit work, I found my mother inside with my sister and two cousins of the male variety. They were laughing and eating, speaking positive, with joy, on memories of my late aunt. I did what I normally do, and then went to the back and took a shit/ Afterwards, I went to my room.
My mother later came back to me. She said she wanted to use my copier to make out some prints of the police report. Apparently some members of my family believe the accident may have been a hit and run. Some think there might be a wrongful death suit in the works. She told me she was making copies for a cousin who might file the claim for the family. Then she whispered something I feared hearing. Apparently, one of my relatives overheard two other aunts plotting to take over the late aunt's insurance policy and other finances.
At that moment, fear went through my body. I was expecting nothing less. Unfortunately, when it comes to money, my family is like a a group of baby rapists in a day care. And I wouldn't doubt that any one of them would slit my throat in a minute if large amounts of cash was on the line.
My mother told me that she had slowly, overnight, set up a Coalition of the Free of family members to take on the Axis of Evil that had formed the day before. The Coalition of the Free wanted to free the Axis of Evil of any money they might try to take hold of. And at that very moment, Coalition of the Free members were at the home of the dead aunt trying to free her home of any financial papers before the Axis of Evil could get their hands on anything. The only snag, Axis of Evil members were already at the home helping to "tidy" things up. And furthermore, my mother was on her way back to the battleground to join her members-in-arms.
When she left, I noted a distinct since of disturbance within my body, as if the bile deep within my belly was about to explode upward through my mouth and nose like a great volcano. I truly needed to sit. And as I sat, I remembered a conversation I had with one of the male cousins that had visited that day.
I remember telling him that the people I feared the most were the ones closest to me, like my family. He became upset that I would think that a family member would do any other family member any real harm. And I threw at him fake facts, shit I had overheard somewhere, like the news or something. I gave him this shit all tidied with fake bullshit percentages and everything.
Like: most people are more likely to be killed by someone they know then by a stranger. And, in fact, over 40% of all murders are committed by family members towards another family member. True. That's why when a wife goes missing, the first place the cops look is at the husband. And when a kid is killed, the first suspects are the parents, or at least the filthy fuck up the mother is shacking up with. That's why the person you should fear the most is the person that drinks with you, and smokes with you, and shares the same DNA.
He then angrily said that our family was nothing like that. Then I brought up a fucked up, cracked out female cousin who was known to steal from relatives. I asked my cousin if he thought that was right? He responded that he didn't think that was right. Then I brought up my cousin's brother, who's a known thug. I asked him if he thought it was brotherly when his brother stole his new pair of Air Force Ones. He said that it wasn't right. So, I responded, if his brother would do something un-brotherly like steal from him, what would stop his un-brother from doing worse, like murder. And at this moment, my cousin sat still.
Because he knew the old adage, if you lie, you steal. And if you steal, what on earth would stop you from killing.
That's why, in this world, every man should know never ever to trust no one, which probably means trust everybody but actually means, always keep your gun loaded especially when family comes-a-calling.
By the way, you can use that in the chorus of your next rap song.
P.S. If you don't hear from me again, expect that a relative has come and killed me.
To Katie, I really appreciate you giving yourself out like that. It makes me proud that young girls across the world are sending out pretty little messages to nice young gentlemens such as myself. 
I was on 
