That chick to the left, the black one. She played in Clueless with that cracked-out Murphy chick, and Alicia Whateverhernameis. I think the dude from Scrubs, the Faizon dude, played her boyfriend. From what I remember, Faizon and this chick, Stacey Dash, played the same characters in the movie and in the television series that followed. After the television show went off the air, both of them went into obscurity, at least until Scrubs hit the air. Then I was able to point to the screen and say, "Ain't that that chick who played Rosanne's daughter for a year or two. Oh, I know that bald-headed black dude. I know I've seen him before. He played the bald-headed black dude who had this gay dude as a friend and they used to rap all fruity. Yeah, I know that negro"

Well, anyway, getting back to the Dash chick. She was last seen in a Kanye West video with her nipples poking out. She had an unforgettable scene where she gets out of a car in a short dress. I've spent hours on hours trying to see if I could see any beaver in any of those shots, with no luck. And here I find out I didn't have to waste all that time on that because she'll be posing nude in the August Playboy. Yippee. If only she had done this a decade ago.

I'm not complaining. Okay, I am complaining even though I shouldn't. I should be happy to see any woman naked. I just don't like checking out chicks over forty, even though she sort of looks like Vanessa Williams. Okay, she doesn't look like Vanessa Williams, but she sort of aged like her. They're both forty or over, and they look hot. Only difference is, I'd still do an over forty Vanessa Williams. I'm still on the fence with this Stacey Dash chick.

Date Published: July 3, 2006 >> <__trans phrase="Comments">Talkback

Alicia Machado was the chick who won the 1996 Miss Universe, and after she won, she got all fat and greasy. Donald Trump, who had bought the rights to the show, wasn't down for that one bit. So, he made her juicy butt get up on a treadmill and work that fat off her back. And he made her fat butt do it all in front of America. If she didn't lose the weight, she would lose her title.

Now that's a pimp for you.

Makes a man like me wanna respect a dude like that. Just look at the women he gets to bang. And it can't be because of his hot body, or handsome face, or winning personality, because as we all know, he has none of that. It's his dough. And he knows it. And we know it, because he's told us so hundreds of times. He had NBC put a show on the air just so he could parade around how rich and successful he is. And this year, he put his hot daughter on the show just to show the world what kind of genes his boys have been mixing with. And for that, I wish he was my white daddy. I love you fake white daddy.

But getting back to Machado. She eventually lost the weight and kept her title. But after her reign, I have no idea what she's been doing. I think she went back to whatever country she came from down in Latin America. I think she's from Venezuela. Ain't that the same country where this dude was trying to sell cheap gas to people in middle America? I think he was the president or something. But I think they only have dictators down there, dictators and skinny bulimic women.

I hear that beauty pageants are like a sport down there. People watch beauty pageants like we watch the Super Bowl. Not that I can see myself taking anything from that, because these are the same people that go wild over soccer. And as any American can tell you, soccer sucks.

Now, if it had fighting in it like hockey, maybe us filthy Americans might give a damn, but I hear the only fighting that goes on at a soccer game is up in the stands with the patrons. They get all horny and liquored up looking at those half naked soccer chicks who flash at the drop of a dime. And we go crazy over Janet Jackson's pierced nips. Crazy.

But, again, back to Machado. I've seen her a couple of times on Univision, or Telemundo, or Futurama, or whatever the hell's the name of that third spanish language network.

I read she was on a Big Brother-type show, one where they get people to hang out in a house together, and they tape them. I've only seen the first season of the American version of the show. And it was a little bit too boring for me to get into. But apparently it's a success all over the world. Foreigners must love watching other people do dumb boring shit all the time. I guess that's why they're foreigners and not Americans.

Date Published: May 25, 2006 >> <__trans phrase="Comments">Talkback

I normally announce these things early, but I never got around to it this year. I want to say I was really busy, but the truth is I was too damn lazy to make a second post here. So, here I am telling the world when most of the world that actually gives a damn already knows. Kara Monaco, Miss June I think, is the winner of Playmate of the Year for 2006. And she got the cover. Congratulations.

I actually had Kara third on my list of favorites, behind that Racquel Gibson, or Gibbons, chicks, and Qiana Chase. So, if I had to pick a blond, I'd have no problem choosing Kara.

So, what do we know about Kara. She's a native of O-town, the same town that gave us N-Sync, the Backstreet Boys, and uh, O-town. It's also where Disney World is, where she once worked. She's an aspiring actress and model. And she likes nerdy dudes with really small penises. (I lied about that last part?)

She's the first June Playmate to be given the honor. And, after three long years, she's the first Playmate in that streatch of time to be featured on the PMOY cover. Of course, the conspiracy theorists would say that we finally get a PMOY on the cover only after we get another blond. And who knows, they might be right. I mean, Hef does like his blondes. He doesn't hide it. And for now, it is his magazine, at least until he croaks, which could be any minute now.

Date Published: May 5, 2006 >> <__trans phrase="Comments">Talkback

It's November. But here is the first look at the new December playmate for 2005, Christine Smith. The 5'5", 26 year old, hails from San Dimas, California, and wants to be a veternarian so she can castrate all the cute little dogs and cats of the world for pennies on the dollar. Sounds like my ex-girlfriend. I wish someone would castrate me. I'm tired of feeling myself. My penis annoys me. I can't even think anymore. It's always my balls this or my balls that. I'm sick of it. Here's hoping Ms. Smith is successful because this dog really needs a good whacking.

Let's see, what else do we know about Ms. Smith. She loves men who are excited by life, and who are comfortable in their own skin. Okay, that's two strikes against me. And she hates insecure men, who are lazy, have bed breath, and aren't willing to try new things. Add small penises, and I've just run the gamut. There you have it. I guess that's another playmate I can strike off my list of possibly getting ass from in the future.

Anyway. Ms Smith is the last playmate of the year, and that makes her one of the most important. Because now, horny little bastards like myself, and old ass middle aged dudes across the world can finally start speculating on who should and will become Playmate of the Year for 2006. I won't go into it just yet because I haven't seen Ms. Smith's Playboy pictorial. Because, if I had to go just by her Cyber Club sneak peek pictures, this woman wouldn't even come close. I hate to say it, but these pictures are horrific.

The pictures make her seem like some old, squinty eyed, plastic bottled cheese-mama. Her face is too made up. Her breasts look too fake. And her body has the form of a thick log. You know who she reminds me of? Rebecca Ramos. That's exactly what she looks like in these pictures, a blond, squinty-eyed version of Rebecca Ramos. And that ain't good.

And I doubt that's how she looks in the magazine. Just looking at the photo on her playboy.com page, these pictures don't do her justice. She actually looks kind of hot on that web page, which makes me think that it's gotta be the photographer's fault. I wonder who they have shooting the sneak peek photos, because most of them make the models look crappier than they actually look. They tend to edge on the glitzy/overdone side. I probably wouldn't be able to stand them if they weren't photos of, uh, naked women.

Unfortunately, when it comes to naked chicks, who gives a damn about the photography.

Date Published: November 5, 2005 >> <__trans phrase="Comments">Talkback