Super-Villain Style

Man robs bank to be ’supported’

Everybody needs a little support every once in awhile. Everybody needs a shoulder to cry on, and a lap to lie their head. I know I do.

These have been trying times for your neighborhood soothsayer. I may be able to practicate that fortunality in a disambiguous fashion, but in no way am I able to stand myself separate from its hands. These days, the truth takes its fingers about my neck easily, and squeezes heavily until the last gasp exits my body. And I can do nothing but let it.

And if I should continue with such honest confession, let me state that fates visage stares about my wreakage and holds steady until ready to topple my very existence. That is why I am so weary. That is why the wetness escapes my eyes nightly. It is for this that I have contemplated ending it all, or at least almost it all.

Standing helplessly is no way a grown male human should be perceived. And my opposite finds me weak for admitting this fallacy of my form. So be it. But I can no longer lie about such truths. I must be honesty with myself. I must make solid and whole my cowardice.

And for that, I shall state that my innards should so match my new-formed femininity. I should be so pleased to bear child within me, and to have such being suckle from my mammary. Perhaps I should injest teas and soy to hurried the result.

Should a being as low as I not want this outcome no less than the continued beating that is taken by the hands of Nature, a great mother of sort. Or perhaps, may I not want to continue to be the dog that sits before the feet of thy ethereal Paradise. The cocksucker of the Universe, the devil of the mortal walking dead.

But as such, being that I am man, and as man, I want far greater than my reach can grasp. Even when my reach does break free, is it not as fate to let that great gift, so sweet and fragrant, become an even heavier burden to hold between my limbs.

It is for this that I shall continue in my sickness, my misfortune to grow with the grand melancholy befitting an animal such as I. To be truthful of myself is to walk about the knees, and partake of the meal that only a mealy-mouthed cocksucker such as I should only prefer.

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FLASHING NEWS BREAKING THING - The next season of Survivor will split the races up, like the white man really wants it to be.

The new twist in the next season is that the blacks, the whites, the Asians, and the Latino will be split up in four groups according to race.  I could insert a lot of insensitive racial jokes right here, but I’m above that, unlike some people.

A lot of people are up in arms over this, but I’m somewhat interested enough that I might have to check out the new season.  I haven’t really watched the show since the second season, and I bailed on it halfway through.  So, I guess the race-baiting might actually work, if it brings in viewers who had stopped watching the show like I had.  So, the bottomline: these kind of stunt shows occasionally work. 

I hadn’t watched Big Brother since the second season, but I’ve been checking it out occasionally since they’ve been doing this All-Star thing.  The best thing about bringing back past houseguests is that I got to see Will and that other dude lie their way through the game all over again.

Makes me wonder why people even trust Chilltown, especially after they’ve seen the candid video scenes from the second season of the show? You would think that when the other houseguests saw that Chilltown was back together, they would know to pull their strengths together so that they could toss those two liars.  But nope, people aligned with them, and because of that, all the other players have been dead meat since the first episode of the new season.

By the way, Janelle is hot as hell.  I can’t believe chicks like her actually exist in real life.  I’m seriously thinking of stalking a white devil cave chick.

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I watched part of the Miss Universe pageant over the weekend. I haven’t watched one of those beauty shows in a long time. But I’ve been hearing good things about that Miss Universe show. I hear it’s hotness, personified. And the show didn’t prove me wrong.

What you get are all these hot international women, walking around in tight slinky dresses, and throwing on weird patterned bikinis, all doing pretty decent English-speak, although a few needed translators. And most of the chicks were pretty stacked. There were very few tiny hootied, thin skinned chicks. Most looked like they had eaten pretty well over the years, even the Latin chicks, who starve themselves to be on these types of shows.

Plus the crowd really gets into it, especially those Latin people. Everytime someone from a Latin American country was announced, you could hear those Spanish people going crazy. I think I even heard one of those air horns. Now that’s ghetto. But it added a level of excitement I didn’t expect. I was pleasantly surprised.

Another thing is that the chicks on there don’t mind getting sexed up either. And there’s none of that weird over-make-upped look. The chicks look nice and healthy, even the ones from countries like Ethiopia and Mexico. You’d expect those chicks to look tore up, but that chick from Ethiopia was kind of hot. And I don’t think her ribs were poking out in that bad starvation-is-killing-me kind of way. It didn’t feel bad checking these chicks out in tight-ass gowns and skimpy bikinis.

I spent most of the night turning back and forth between Telemundo and NBC, both running the show in some weird simulcast, with the Latin dudes doing voice overs. I couldn’t tell what the Latin announcers were saying most of the time since my spanish is pretty rudimentary. In fact, I really didn’t understand what they were saying on NBC most of the time since I don’t think Nancy O’Dell, or Carlos Ponce, or that really annoying gay dude, and that white chick know how to speak English very well. So, it was a wash.

The greatest moment on the show was also the crappiest moment on the show. During the bikini competition, they had this latin dude singing, or lip-syncing, his crappy latin dance tune.

I’ve heard a lot of crappy Latin pop over the years, but this song was one of the shittiest songs I’ve ever heard in my life. Only thing that made it bearable was when he would shut up and stop dancing, and the chicks would roll on out half naked. Then, just when I thought that I’d be happy, he’d pop back out again.

And one of the weirdest moments was on Telemundo, where they showed all the hosts, including the Spanish ones, dancing to the crap. I nearly barfed a testicle when I saw that shit. It was that bad.

But still, Chulo, or whatever his name was couldn’t ruin this magical night. I saw loads and loads of hot chicks, endlessly parading across my television screen. My favorites were the two Asian chicks, one from Japan and one from Thailand. I also liked most of the Latin chicks as well. In fact, even the white chicks from Canada and America were looking really hot.

In the end, I don’t know if they picked the right chick to be top dog, so to speak. They gave the crown to some 18 year old Puerto Rican. Out of all of the Puerto Ricans they could have found, I don’t think she was the hottest. If they had to give it to some spanish chick, they probably should have given it to that Mexican chick. She was pretty stacked.

I personally would have went with that chick from Japan, Kurara Chibana, just for the name alone. Everytime she came on the screen, I couldn’t keep my eyes off of her. From that hot little Samurai number, to that nice little black bikini, she was the hottest on the show. I just wish she spoke English a little bit better. She probably would have won if she had, because from what I saw, this chick was over the top killer.

Apparently, the skit with Chappelle in black face caused him to rethink doing the 3rd season. He didn’t like how one white dude on the set was laughing at him in blackface.

I just saw the pixie skits about a week ago, and most of the material was crap. But what wasn’t crap was Chappelle in blackface. That was the funniest part of the pixie series. The second funniest part was when the pixie returned during the Ying Yang Twins Cribs segment, and at the end he said, “Even I’m embarrassed.” I must of broke out laughing, with gas coming all out my ass. It was killer. Because it was so true.

The rest was rather boring. The funniest non-black segment was with the Asian, and that part went on too long, with Chappelle killing himself and dropping down in LaLa’s bosom crack. The rest just sort of missed.

The Hispanic pixie was crappy until Charo popped up, and the pixie started doing blow. And the white pixie was lame, outside the second one at the urinal, at least, up until Ashy Larry saw him, then it also croaked a bad one also.

The good thing about the sketches was that there was still a moment of old, where I laughed out loud. The bad thing is that most of the sketches went on too long.

Who knows, maybe Dave would have fixed them. He might not have gone through every pixie sketch, and maybe he would have done some editing.

One of the things I’m noticing is how important it was to have Dave introduce the sketches, because Charlie and Larry suck at it. Larry’s a little bit better, a little more natural, but neither one of them is all that funny, and that takes away a big part of the show.

In the end, after seeing three episodes, they really should have left these shows in the vault. None of these episodes are even close to representing what the Dave Chappelle’s show was all about. And instead, while pitching the DVD while the show is still running, they come off mostly as cheap late night infomercials.

Makes me sad that things had to come to this.

Edited - YouTube Killed My Original Video. Here’s Another One.

I just read that Wayne Palmer will be the new president in the next season of 24, with his wife possibly being played by Regina King. I personally think it’s a smart move, seeing as a lot of people miss ole David Palmer. Although, Woodside, who plays Wayne, will have a great legacy to live up to. He’s following in the steps of two great presidential runs. I’m not including the dude who played Nikki Cox’s father in that Married with Children knockoff. He was just there to go down with the plane.

I’m guessing that’s how they’re going to treat Wayne Palmer, a man trying to reestablish the presidency after last year’s debacle, and a person trying to live up to the legacy of his assassinated brother, who was respected by all. This will work in Bauer’s favor, seeing that he will be on the run, with people trying to take him out.

I wonder if CTU will have anything to do with the storyline, with all the former characters, outside of Chloe, being knocked off over the past couple of seasons, especially last one. I just don’t think they need that CTU scenery just now.

I personally find it cool that they’re going with another black president. How many shows consistently try to present cool, respectable black character. It would have been easy for them to put another white dude in that position, or go the new-age route, and make the next president Hispanic. Who knows, maybe they could make Wayne Palmer’s VP an evil Mexican trying to make Palmer look like crap.

What’s the deal with Madea? Why do people find her so funny? I just don’t get it. It’s a big black “gay?” dude dressed up in drag. And his jokes? Tyler Perry delivers them like they’re supposed to be funny, but all they do is fall flat. They’re just not funny, and neither is he.

I saw him on Oprah one time doing a Madea skit. They recently replayed it. And the whole bit was totally unfunny. Oprah and Tyler Perry were laughing like it was, but it was all a complete piece of crap, sort of like Tyler Perry’s career.

His movies are one-dimensional “Waiting to Exhale” type crap. And that new television show, House of Payne, is truly a house of pain. It pained me to watch all four episodes that I did watch, especially seeing as Allan Payne, the lead in the show, seems to have a weird eye problem. Those buggers always look watery and dazed, like he’s just been hit over the head and he’s looking off at nothing in the distance.

I caught a couple of episodes late at night a couple of weeks ago. They were showing them back to back daily on one of the uhf stations. It’s about this dude who’s a fireman. He works beside his father. And I don’t think either of them has an outside job.

I thought I heard that firefighters make little pay. They’re sort of like councilmen and aldermen, they supplement their position with a “real job” on the outside. But apparently, both of these dudes make major dough fighting fires because they both own houses next to each other, at least until Allan Payne’s crackhead wife burns down theirs.

I don’t exactly know why she burned down their house. At first I thought it was from her trying to light up that crack pipe. But then they start talking about gasoline and arson. And she goes on the run. So, I don’t know. They must have explained it during a show I missed.

The last full episode I watched had Allan Payne’s kid dressing up in his mother’s clothes so he could smell her. His grandfather catches him one day and believes the boy is gay, but it’s all explained away in the end, with Allan Payne taking the tutu or whatever and sniffing it out himself.

Of course, I still believe the boy is a gay. I don’t care how much you miss your mother, you don’t go around “drinking milk” and walking around in your mama’s clothes. You just can’t explain away sissy behavior like that.

By the way, the grandfather is one of the most unfunniest, most annoying characters ever to appear on television. The dude who plays the part ain’t funny one bit. I think they need to do a little recasting on that part, and maybe tone his hatefulness down, because I just can’t stand him. And it ain’t Aunt Esther hate. That was funny hate. I’m talking about real hate. I hate his fat ass. There’s nothing forgiving about that character at all.

So, in closing, Tyler Perry sucks as a writer and he may be a gay. I just get a vibe off that dude that tells me that the boy is light in the loafer. I tell ya, if he ain’t homo, I ain’t poor. And I sho’ is poor. So, you come to your own conclusions.

I heard that Roger Ebert had to be rushed to the hospital over the weekend because a blood vessel in his salisbury steak gland ruptured. I think it had too much gravy in it. Hmmmm, mushrooms.

Wait. Breaking news. It was actually his salivary gland, whatever the hell that is. I think it has something to do with spitting. I’m pretty sure his wife won’t be getting her prospects checked out anytime soon. You know what I’m talking about. I know you do. Sickos.

Whenever you hear someone say it, salivary, you don’t know what they’re talking about. From hearing it, I’m thinking it’s some gland in his leg or in his belly. But when I actually saw the word, I knew it had something to do with his mouth.

Fun Fact: Did you know that Roger Ebert was married to a big black woman? I knew part of it, the part where he was married to a black chick. What I didn’t know was that she was bigger than him. It looks like Ebert likes a little jelly in his roll. Know what I’m saying? The more the jelly, the better the thumbing, or the pudding. Wait. That’s Bill Cosby. That doesn’t come from me. That comes from his late partner, Siskel, who was actually a heterosexual.

Yeah, that’s surprising to me also.

Here’s hoping you get well soon, you plump brother. And to help you along, I put up two videos from the good ole times when your homie Siskel was still alive.

It must suck to be Charlie Murphy. How can a man be a man when his little brother is a bigger man than he is? Charlie Murphy, the funnier Murphy, at least presently, will always be known as Eddie Murphy’s brother.

The dude is all over the place. I hear his voice-overs everywhere, most recently playing a crazy white dude with Samuel L. Jackson in the Boondocks cartoon series. And through his backstory and history, he gave Dave Chappelle the foundation for what may be seen as some of the greatest comedy sketches ever, the ‘C’ Hollywood Stories series.

I hear he’s developing a television show of his own. I don’t know what it’s about, but I hope it’s funny, because black people always need something to laugh at. That’s something that black people have with the Jews: we can’t get enough of funny comedians. Only difference is that black comedy is different from Jew comedy, not necessarily funnier, just different.

I actually thought about being a comedian once, but I doubt if I would have made it. I think you have to be funny to be a comedian, and I’m just not that funny. Maybe if I had a little Jew in me, I would be on my way to being hilarious, or gay, and unsatisfied. Ba-Dump-Dump!

You know, the other day, I had these really bad cramps in my stomach. It must have been from all that Taco Bell I had a few hours earlier. I tell you, the Taco Bell can sure play games on a brother’s stomach. That’s why I had to go in a corner and relieve myself. And then I got off the bus… (Silence) Ba-Dump-Dump!

I tell ya, (Bump-Bump) is this thing on (Bump-Bump). Hurry up, take my wife please. PLEASE!

Damn, Saved By the Bell is becoming the new Diff’rent Strokes. First, I find out that the chick that played Lisa might have been a crack head. Then, I find out that the dude that played Slater might have beat down Ali Landry on some Ike Turner crap. Now, I find out that Screech is out begging for loose change and selling crappy t-shirts here so he can continue feeding himself and keep his home.

And who knows what’s going on with Mr. Belding. I can see child porn charges in his future.

The only good to come out of that show, outside the mindless jackin’ off I did when it was on, is that that chick who plays the fat dude’s wife on Queen of Kings, or the other way around, whatever, has lost most of her baby fat, and by baby fat, I mean the fat she put on when she had them babies, at least I think it was babies, because she was fat a long time.

It looked like she was preg-a-nant for about the last three years. Every time I turned to look at the show, she was fat. So, I’m hoping she was pregnant two different times, because if she was fat for two to three years, then she shouldn’t even be on my television anymore.

Only fat people who should get and stay on television are those who were fat when I first saw them. Like Oprah. She’s been fat since a I first saw her, so it’s okay she stay fat. I’m trying to think of other fat examples, but nothing else is coming to mind. I don’t think there are that many fat people on the small screen, and that’s a good thing. Because if you’re skinny when I first see you, you can’t get fat and stay on the television. And if you were fat when I first saw you, then you have to stay fat, unless you look better skinny.

Take that Sara Rue chick. She was kind of hot fat, and then she decided to lose the weight. Now I don’t know if I like her very much. She looks okay, but she doesn’t have all that juicy whiteness to her that she had before. Now she looks just like every other white chick, except more elderly, and that’s bad.

Because you have to stand out if you wanna be on television. You have to have a niche. Dave Chappelle looks like a weeded out crackhead; Andy Dick looks like a super gay child pornographer; and Sara Rue looked like a really juicy looking white girl. That was her gimmick. Now, she’s gone and ruined it. And that’s why she doesn’t have a television show anymore, and probably never will again. Dumb ass.

They killed that dude over in Iraq. Now if he was somebody else, I might mourn a little bit, but even his own people can’t stand him. When you pile up the bodies of infidels like homie did, you’d think that Osama would have love for you, but even he couldn’t stand old boy. That’s probably the reason dude was blown up. He didn’t have the type of loyalty and protection the real AQ Crew gets on a regular basis up in those mountains. Those dudes live like that rat that’s been chilling at my place.

I spent over forty dollars trying to catch that bastard and I ain’t caught crap. I got glue traps, poisonous bait, and those round D-Con things that are supposed to snap close when the rat gets inside. Good ole’ Ben has been jumping and dodging my crap like he’s running one of those Olympic track relays. I saw his big fluffy self by my refridgerator, his tail stuck on one of the glue tracks. He squealed a little, then broke free and ran behind the fridge. I haven’t seen his filthy ass since then. But I know he’ll be back, so I need something that will finally get him for good. I honestly don’t care what it is. He just has to be gone so I don’t have to keep worrying about him crawling in my bed and peeing on my face. Ewwww. I hate’em.