Super-Villain Style

Clerk held in fight over lottery win

Okay. I finally got the lowdown about that lottery crap. Same Mega-Millions drawing. But two separate shady incidents. The first incident was the chick from Ohio and the other chick who claimed to have bought the winning ticket and lost it in a parking lot.

The second incident takes place in Chicago. One Chicago Board Option Exchange clerk essentially was asked by her co-workers to check to see if they had a winner out of the group of tickets they bought. She goes and gets the tickets checked out and finds out that she has a 175,000 winner. She is told because of the amount she had won that she’d have to take the ticket to lottery headquarters. She never goes there or returns the ticket to her co-workers. In fact, she tells them that all they won was $20. Now the ticket is supposedly missing.

Sorry, be me would be close to going wild up-side her effin’ head. That beyotch would be dead. You hear me. DEAD! Beyotch was gonna pocket that dough and never tell her co-workers she won shit. And if it is true she lost the ticket. That makes that shit even more horrible. Or makes some unsuspecting dude really lucky. If he finds that shit. Maybe the villain needs to take a trip to the Loop.

PV Comics (Protean Void)

Don’t know if setting up a business where people pay to read your web comics is a great idea. But this new company has been making news the past week. And people crapped on a lot of new stuff that’s now commonplace. I can’t give examples other than personal computers or mp3s because I’m lazy and tired and really looking forward to going to sleep in the next 10 minutes. But you get where I’m coming from.

12 Cartoonists Join Forces To Form PV Comics

Charging visitors for reading their webcomics seemed the obvious solution for creators hoping to make a living at their craft, but what was the best way to achieve that goal? “When a few of us put our heads together we decided that offering complete stories every week for the smallest price possible was the way to go,” explains DeAngelis. “We started with a base price: $1 for the year for each cartoonist involved, and went from there. With 12 contributors and no middlemen, we’re excited that our yearly subscription rate of $15 is a very affordable price. That $15 shakes out to almost 600 pages of new comics over the course of the year; that’s only pennies a page!”

Did I see a glimpse of Charisma Carpenter as Cordelia waking up from a half a year slumber in a preview before a rerun of Angel ran. I might have been seeing things. I love mid-season crap. The second half of 24 began this past Tuesday. And the chick who killed Jack Bauer’s wife, who’s now the top agent over on the good Line Of Fire, is back. I read somewhere someone was pissed off that Jack Bauer hadn’t really gone off the deep end and that the show gave ole’ Jack an out. What did you expect. It’s an ongoing television show. The question should have been how were they going to get Jack out of the mess he dug himself into. And how well would they portray it. And I think they’ve done a decent job so far. I’m looking forward to what happens next.

Man says he’s addicted to cable; wants to sue Charter

Timothy Dumouchel of West Bend wants $5,000 or three computers, and a lifetime supply of free Internet service from Charter Communications to settle what he says will be a small claims suit.

Dumouchel blames Charter for his TV addiction, his wife’s 50-pound weight gain and his children’s being lazy channel surfers, according to a Fond du Lac police report.

Hmmm. Something I should look into. Hit up Comcast, the four major networks, the government for mismanaging the public airwaves, and the public for letting the government mismanage the public’s airwaves.

Yeah. CHA-CHING!

I can just see me now hanging in my mansion with Naomi Watts and Laura Herring all naked and greasing each other down making me a happy effin’ man. Playing Playstation 2. Downloading porn. YEAH. Sue like a motha. The American Way.

Sorry, folks. But I gotta take a break from several of my New Year’s Resolutions. Somethings been on my mind. I think you should be able to take a time-out. Take a day off from that change of life crap. So, here it goes.

Ding-Ding.

Resolution Time-Out

Now I’m watching television. Oh, forgive me. I mean I’m watching HBO. Some shitty-ass Martin Lawrence flick. And afterwards this show called Cathouse 2 comes on. At least I think that’s the name of the show. Anyway, this shit is about a bunch of whores in whore camp or a whore ranch or something like that. And the whole show these old whores are like licking on each other’s titties, and banging customers. They’re playing with sex toys and talking up these old ass white dudes.

And in the end they fuckin’ molest this stripper dude who comes to perform for one of the whores on her birthday or some shit. I mean these chicks are like sitting on his face and chopping at his nuts and shit. He’s still got his nuts covered and these whores already got their panties off fuckin’ playin with each other. And I’m wondering how the fuck did this shit get on television. I mean some of this shit is like bordering on hardcore.

There’s a scene with this chick who’s into chicks and she’s with this couple and they’re going at it. She’s ridin’ this dude. And one chick is rubbin’ down another chick. And they end all this fornicating by talking into the camera while bangin and rubbin’ each other down under the covers. And I’m wondering

Question: How the fuck did I miss Cathouse 1. And is this shit all just one long ass act. Cause this shit can’t be real. It can’t be real. But if it is real. Thank the forces that be that I had enough sense to get HBO. Because outside of the Sopranos and shit like this, O see no reason to watch this fuckin channel. HBO would be just another Showtime. Sorry, but I could give a fuck about Carrie and those Sex in the City broads. Bryant Gumbel can kiss my ass. And Bill Maher. Let’s just say that we all need a lot less bullshit in our lives.

Resolution Time-In

Did I tell ya that it’s cold as crap outside. I thought it would be okay to go outside without anything covering my ears. And it wasn’t. I was actually scared there for a second. I thought I’d have to walk around with two stubs on the side of my head. First snow. Now bitter cold. And to think I was actually looking forward to this crap.

Woman Wins $162M Mega Millions Jackpot

But not without some drama. Another woman claimed she bought the winning ticket and lost it in a parking lot when she dropped her purse, or something like that. I actually heard something else which might be entirely wrong. Like the chick who won the 162 Mill gave the ticket to a store clerk or something to have the ticket checked out and the clerk never came back with the ticket. I think I just peddled some misinformation. But the entire story is kind of confusing. Still, even if that chick who claimed to have lost the ticket in the parking lot was telling the truth. Tough titties. Finders keepers. You snooze, you lose. Chick should’ve kept up with that. No sympathy.

Cruise Wants to Don the Iron Armor

When the project was first mooted, long term comic fan Nicholas Cage and Tom Cruise both expressed interest the kind of star wattage more normally associated with literary adaptations than men in tights.

Much has changed since, including the screenwriters, the script and the principal villain, but it seems that Cruise remains keen. In this month’s Empire, he reveals that he is still working on a deal to don the Iron Man’s armour.

Iron Man Movie Rumors
Iron Man Hype

Ah, another year of “24″ begins later on today. In fact, the entire Fox line-up starts this week. And here I thought I was safe with the additions to my vcr scheduling. I personally don’t think its fair to start a television season this late in the year. My viewing preferences have already been set.

I have two vcrs, 2 six hour tapes, 12 hours of taping room. No Tivo here folks. I do my recording old school style. I haven’t seen anything on television when it actually showed in over five years. Everything is taped. Now, over the next two weeks, because of the crap that Fox will eventually subject me to, I’ll have to change my entire set-up.

On Sunday I tape Alias and the Practice. I usually won’t watch the Practice, but this year I’ve been pretty interested. Chris O’Donnell has played a sleazy wife murderer to the fullest. And Sharon Stone also did a credible job playing a super-legal, super-crazy lawyer on the verge of a breakdown. Plus, you can’t go wrong with the morally ambigious Alan Shore, played by James Spader. Of course, Alias has been top notch. The entire year centers on what happened to Sydney over the past two years. I’m still wondering whose side Sloane is on.

On Monday I tape WWE Raw. And nothing else. Monday is a pretty weak night. I’m not a big Everybody Loves Raymond fan. I’ll watch it when I’m bored. But most of the time, I’ll pass.

So we skip to Tuesday. Tuesday is still the toughest night for taping. On one machine I’ll tape 24 and NYPD Blue. Still a Blue fan. It’s a little like watching CSI. You know what you’re going to get when you see it. And on another machine, I’ll tape Gilmore Girls with Frasier. I wondered how they would handle Rory going off to college. Every show, she seems to be at home half the time. But they’ve also started splitting their stories off. Hopefully we’ll see more parallel storylines between the Gilmore Girls.

Wednesday has become another hard night to program. On one machine I tape Smallville, Angel and Karen Sisco. I thought Angel would suck this year, especially when they said there wouldn’t be as many on-going storylines. But they lied somewhat. They do have self-contained stories. But behind the scenes, you feel something brewing. And Spike is a welcomed return. On another machine I tape Star Trek: Enterprise and Law and Order, with Bernie Mac, when he returns. Law and Order is like NYPD Blue, but a little bit staler. Enterprise has become a tad bit more interesting. And it doesn’t seem the storyline turn is so way off course with the Time War stories that have appeared since the beginning of the show.

On Thursday I tape WWE Smackdown. And on Friday I tape George Lopez. I hate that they moved Lopez to Fridays. I usually didn’t have to tape it because I was at home on Wednesday and always caught it when it came on. Now without tape, I always miss it.

I bet you wonder how I watch all this crap. My Sunday mornings are crap. Around 3 am, I’ll wake up and pop in one of the tapes. Trust me, you never know how commercials waste your time when you tape a show. I fast forward through most of the commercials, and can get through 2 hours of tape in over a hour and a half. You speed through show intros, actor titles, cast credits and network promos, and you knock off at least another 15 minutes every two hours. I’ll usually make it through 6 hours in 4. By 7:30 or 8 am, I’ve essentially seen a weeks worth of television, without the crap. By noon, I’ve seen everything I’ve wanted to see.

But sometimes I don’t make it through a tape, and things eventually get taped over. But hey, that’s the luck of the draw. And usually I get to see everything I really wanted to see. I can skip RAW and Smackdown. But I can’t skip 24. I can miss Law and Order, but I can’t miss Smallville and Enterprise. You get it. Unfortunately, there isn’t enough time to waste burning my brain cells on telelvision watching. If only I were a teenager again.

I haven’t masturbated in over three weeks. I know it isn’t something you would start off with, but I was sitting around “watching” Karen Sisco and it came to me. I hadn’t played with Mister Willie in over three weeks. And it hasn’t been like I’ve been having a lot of sex. In fact, I haven’t had sex with my girlfriend in over a week. And it’s not all on her. I just haven’t been feeling it.

But you, my public must know that I AM NOT IMPOTENT. I repeat, I AM NOT IMPOTENT. I just haven’t been feeling in the mood. Not that I haven’t been feeling things.

Like last night. I was watching Law & Order: SVU. The show focuses on sex crime cases. Last night’s episode was about this dude who had fell in love with his therapist and had supposedly beat the crap out of her when she refused his advances. Then we learn that this dude’s sister was actually his mother and had beat the hell out the therapist herself because she thought that the therapist was taking advantage of her son. Then of course we learn that the sister had killed her and the dude’s mother because the dude had been taken by the mother from the sister who had gotten knocked up when she was 14. Get it. And the mother was a religious fanatic and had been doing weird crap to the dude’s penis and stuff.

Then we learn there was a tape with the therapist talking dirty about taking baths with the dude and suckling her breasts and crap like that. The therapist was played by this hot older chick who I’ve seen before. She was the blond mother on Now and Forever, or Now and Again. I can’t remember the show’s name. It was the show with another hot older chick, Sela Ward. They were both mothers with kids. One was the new thing, played by Sela. And the other was the ex-wife old thing, the blond chick. Anyway the blond chick was the dude’s therapist and had pushed the dude a little too far with all her weird therapy.

She hadn’t had sex with the dude, but she might as well have. I mean if some hot older chick started talking to me about suckling her breasts and washing me down, I’d be saluting, Marine-style. In fact that’s exactly what I was doing on the couch. I know that’s not the effect the story’s writers wanted me to have, but I couldn’t help it. I kept thinking that the blond chick was my therapist and she was talking all dirty to me. Then we got naked and started doing all kinds of crazy stuff during my therapy sessions. Then she started taking advantage of me, messing with my mind and having weird Secretary-like sex with me, me spanking that ass raw and Spaderizing that backend. Then she goes to the toilet and starts feeling herself up thinking about me. Then she leaves her practice and I wax that ass and she continues giving me brain therapy (double meaning).

Wait. I think I went too far. But you see what I mean. I mean I’m watching Karen Sisco with the sound off and getting off on every screen image of Carla Gugino. And I don’t feel like masturbating. So, don’t worry. I haven’t been playing with myself while surfing the web and typing this up. I ain’t in the mood. And if I was in the mood, I wouldn’t be doing it in front of a computer. That’s about as uncomfortable as doing it in the bathroom. The only good way to do these things is in the bed with a tape or a nice smutty magazine. Or watching Univision. If I actually masturbated, which I don’t. At least not in three weeks. Which might as well be never. Because in jerk-off years, that’s an eternity.

I’m hooked on the Joe Schmo Show. It comes on Spike TV, Tuesdays at 9 pm. Some of the funniest stuff on television. Matt Kennedy Gould aka Joe Schmo, goes on a fake reality show named Lap Of Luxury, which he thinks is real. He’s a Law school dropout, back at his parents, delivering pizza and playing ball on the weekends. The rest of his housemates are actors playing the part of reality tv archtypes. The reality isn’t in Matt, but in how the actors play their part and react to Matt. The weird thing is that the actors are being put through the paces as much as Matt, being made to look like fools, walk around half-naked, and perform degrading bits. And they do it all in the name of art.

Conspiracy Theory: It’s weird that the black girl got the boot first on a fake reality show. Ain’t it just like whitey.

Last thought… Could Joe be in on the bit. Could the joke be really on the actors.

below-average ‘Joe’

Though Gould is indeed played for a sap, he is not the biggest unwitting victim here. Somehow the halfwits working on “The Joe Schmo Show” have managed to turn themselves into the real losers by coming across as untalented, self-possessed and mean-spirited, which is truly saying something because they’re the ones with the script and control of the editing room.

Really Big ‘Schmo’? It May Be Us
Joe Schmo Show does wicked parody of reality TV
TV Tome: Joe Schmo Show

Star Dates in Star Trek

This FAQ is an attempt to answer once and for all questions concerning the nature of stardates. The system worked out is as satisfactory as is possible in these conditions of confusing and conflicting data. Unlike most FAQs, the sections do not cover completely separate questions; rather, the implied `big question’ has been divided into logical subtopics.

Star Trek FAQs