All Liquored Up
The world has a way of reminding you. Sometimes shit comes to you sitting down, calm. Other times, life hauls-off and back-slaps your bitch ass like a pimp. Yeah, like a pimp. And while you’re on the ground looking like you want to cry, and the Universal Pimp is standing over you asking you where’s his fuckin’ money, you finally come to grips with who you are, and why you’re here.
I hate alcoholics. And I spent an entire night with some. Drunk off of Crown Royal and Miller Light. Eating Pork Rinds and Cheetos. Licking on Tops Wrappers and stuffing blunts. Listening to old ass blues songs, singing to Jerry Butler.
I was supposed to see a movie last night. There wasn’t anything particular I wanted to see. I just had to get out of the house. One of my cousins called me last night, asking if I wanted to go to the show with him. I normally would stay the hell away from my family. But I was home alone, and a little bored. So, I said yeah, thinking that I might regret it later. And I did.
First off, we went to pick up my cousin’s brother, Richard. Richard is a dumb-ass. I don’t hate Richard, but Richard doesn’t inspire love and loyalty. He’s a back-stabbing son-of-a-bitch. He loves to rip on people. My other cousin loves to hang with him even though he rips on his ass to his face and behind his back. He rips on his brothers, too. He probably says crap about me behind my back, as well. I don’t spend enough time with him for him to talk shit to my face. Plus, he knows we’re not cool.
Everytime we meet, he’ll ask me if I hate him. And I’ll tell him no. And I’m partially telling the truth. Because like I said before, I don’t hate him. I just don’t trust him. I would never subject myself to spending time with a person who has nothing more than negative things to say about me or the people around me.
He currently lives with another one of our cousins, Caron. Richard’s mother kicked him out over a year ago after he tore up her place. She decided for once that she wasn’t going to give him any money that day. So, he tore up the house and left. And he had the nerve to come back. Luckily his brothers were waiting for him. And he left. He went to one of his girlfriends’ homes. He got her pregnant, one of a long list of women he’s knocked out. And afterwards, he left her. He went to live with another woman, a woman he met at our family’s church. Just over a month ago, he knocked her up, too. And he left her to go live with our cousin. I think her baby will be number 9 out of the lot. He only will claim two. He will quickly tell you that the rest were sluts, and the kids ain’t his. And this was one the people I would be spending my night with.
So, anyway, we picked up Richard, and Caron and his girlfriend were there. They wanted to get out of the house, but they didn’t have a babysitter. My cousin decided that it wouldn’t be a thing for them to go and bring their kids with us. Yeah, just bring the whole damn family. Good. Richard decided that since their kids were going, why shouldn’t we just all swing around and get one of the two kids he does acknowledge. My cousin thought that was a good idea. So, off we all went in two cars packed with 5 kids, 4 grown men, and a fat-ass woman.
But did we go to the movies. Nope. After we left Caron’s house, we visited my cousin and Richard’s brother, Jeffrey. I have no idea how we all ended up over there, but we did. We eventually ended up spending the next two hours trying to fix his brother’s car. Apparently, when we got there, Jeffrey and his family had just come back from Sam’s Club. And the car barely got them back home. The belt on the water pump had broke, something I could relate to because the belt on my water pump got shredded, and of course, my water pump went dead on me. So, it just made so much fuckin’ since that I might know how to fix his car. And I know jack-shit about cars. I just drive’em. I don’t change the oil. AAA changes the tires. And I make it a point not to mess with anything under the hood. Cause I don’t know shit. But somehow I ended up under the hood of his car trying to fix it.
When that failed, we jumped back in our cars and made it over to my cousin, and Richard’s, and Jeffrey’s mother’s house. And I don’t know when it was decided that we would be heading over there. But the decision was made and we were going over there, with Jeffrey sans family with us.
And who knew that when we made it over there that my aunt would be packing. For what, you might ask. Well, it seems that my aunt was preparing to move on Sunday. Yeah, this sunday, on the weekend, on my day off. And she was just so happy that her sons, and her two nephews were over to her house and would be there all night to help her pack so that she might move. And it hit me. This was one fuckin’ elaborate set-up. I had been taken. You filthy bastards. Here I thought that I would be chillin’, watching a movie, sipping on 4 dollar Coke, eatin’ greasy-ass popcorn, poppin’ 2 dollar M&Ms in my mouth. And here I was fixing cars and packing boxes.
You. You.
Eventually the night progressed with my other aunts coming over with some of my other cousins behind them. And I don’t know about your family, but my family can not get together without getting all liquored up. So out came the Crown Royal, and the Vodka, and the 12-packs of Miller Lite and Malt Liquor. And my blues listening aunt brought a suitcase of old ass, depressing blues music. And another cousin brought the Kool 100s, blunts and tops wrappers. And my sucky-rap-lyric-no-skillz having cousin brought the bag of weed and southern crap rap music.
And I couldn’t help to realize that, dammit, it felt a lot like Christmas. And I should’ve stayed the hell home.
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