1. Doctor Doom
The last one. I’m free! I’m free at last! Thank You Baby Jesus! HAHAHAHAHAHABWAHAAHA!
cough cough
Yeahyah!
I took the last two days off from this here. And I got today off from work. Seemed a good time to finish. It’s taken about three weeks to finally put this crap together. And now I’m almost done. And I have nothing to follow this shit up with. Spend three weeks doing this crap and make my next entry about doodie and swollen nuts? By the way, did I ever tell you story about when my left testicle grew — forget about it. I’ll save that post for the day after in the future somewhere.
Before I get started, I was checking out my pic weblog, Deadly Weapon, and the majority of the photos aren’t showing up. All these free hosts are doing some sort of site block shit. Got some uploading to do.
Now that I got that out of the way, let’s finish this here crap off.
No jokes. Just…
I guess that whole name thing defining who you are just might be true. Frankie Nutalot. David Takitndabut. Jerry Melikeyspurm. All these dudes have something in common with our man Victor von Doom. Whatever that might be, I don’t know. But I feel something, a connection. You gotta love a man born Victor von Doom. I wonder if there are any von Dooms in the real world. Ronny von Doom. I don’t know, I kind of like it. Although, seeing how being a von Doom hasn’t meant much in happy times for the Dooms makes me wonder if I wouldn’t be happier being a van Cheery, or something other like that.
Take Vic’s parents. They both were persecuted for being gypsies back in Latveria. They both died while Vic was young, his mother takes one in the back while practicing black magic run wild, and his father, dies while fleeing after he was sentenced to death when he could not save the ruler of Latveria’s wife. Vic was left all alone only to be cared for by his father’s friend, Boris.
Makes you wanna weep. But it explains a lot. The kid starts becoming the bad seed at a young age. Before he dies, his father even sees the devil in his boy. The world was sure to be in big trouble. And it didn’t help that Vic would find his mother’s box of goodies. No, not vibrators and anal beads. He finds his mother’s old sorcery, black magic shit. And Vic soon takes up the dark magics that his mother had practiced before she was killed. And things get even worse when Vic starts dabbling in the sciences as well, building his first little robot clones and shit. How special. Don’t you all feel all warm inside.
Eventually his inventions catch the eye of a professor and dean at an American school, and he is given a scholarship to study at Empire State University. It is here where he mets Reed Richards, and ultimately begins his downward spiral to doom. See what I did there. Forget it. I could have written, road to doom, or some other shit like that. But you see the foreshadowing.
Anyway, one day Vic’s testing a device that might enable him to communicate with beings beyond our Earthly dimension, essentially trying to build a machine so he can talk to his dead mother, pretty much a common backstory to the Doom legacy. The dude never gets over the death of his mother. Bitch practicing black magic and don’t know what she’s doing, starts fuckin’ up the other gypsies, and like I stated before, takes one to the back. And the kicker, because the bitch makes a deal with the devil, after she’s killed, the devil, Mephisto, jumps up and claims her soul. Now that’s a bad way to go. And Doom spends his entire adult life trying to get his mother outta hell.
But back to the story. Reed comes along, snooping and shit, in Vic’s room and comes across the notes for this device and finds a miscalculation. Vic comes in and sees Reed all up in his shit and tells his beyotch ass to get the fuck out. Reed warns Vic, but Vic ain’t trusty this nerdy ass fuck. So, he kicks Reed in the ass and powers up his shit. Now here comes the bad part. The machine starts going all crazy and shit and explodes on Vic’s ass. After the smoke clears, Vic gets all bandaged up and finds out that part of his face has a scar on it like Tony Montana. Now, a player like Vic can’t hang with his beautiful face having a scar on it so our boy starts going all nutty and shit.
The kicker is Vic is also expelled from the university, and so ends our man’s reputable academic career. No Ph.D. for you here, Vic. And it is from this point, his hatred of Reed Richards grows. See Vic couldn’t have made a miscalculation. He’s Vic. Vic don’t make mistakes. So, somebody had to fuck with his shit to make it go all haywire. And who was the last dude in Vic’s room before he used the device. That’s right my friends, Reed Richard. So, it had to be Reed, jealous because of Vic’s obvious intellectual superiority, that messed with his shit, causing him to lose his stunning looks and ending his only chance of escaping the poverty, hatred and racism that only comes with gaining education, power and respect. And you know something, I feel for Vic. I can see that shit, because Reed was a nerdy ass player hater. I wouldn’t put it pass that beyotch to have gone and fucked with Vic’s shit thinking he’s fixing things, with his stankin’ ass. Let’s just say I don’t trust that stretchy ass beyotch either. You know what I’m saying.
So, our man Vic leaves the states and becomes a recluse, moving further and further out of the reach of civilization. He eventually collapses in the cold wilderness of the Tibetan Mountains and is found and rescued by an order of Tibetan monks. They bring Vic back to life and begin teaching him the ways of Tibetan mysticism. Vic, being the super genius that he is, begins to learn so much that he surpasses the knowledge of the monks and becomes their master. The monks would later create Vic’s metal armor and faceplate. Vic, so desperate to cover his slightly scarred face, hurriedly puts the hot metal faceplate on, unintentionally creating the extensive scarring to his face we all know of. Once he partakes of the cloak, Vic renounces the humanity within himself, accepting fully the pain and bitterness within him, proclaiming his will to gain vengeance on all that had wronged him. On that day, Victor von Doom existed no more. There was only the Doctor, Doctor Doom.
Doom’s first order of business is to return to Latveria and overthrow the government. Doom declares himself king and begins building the backwater monarchy we all know and love. I love this shit. Doom essentially keeps his people in the back ages and shit, going all medieval and Middle-Aged on his people. No running water, no electricity, no lights, no phone, no television, no freedom of speech, no freedom of press. Just keep your beyotch asses in the fields and churn your fuckin’ butter and be happy. And all the time, Doom is up in his castle with futuristic 3000 shit, building Doombots and time machines and shit. And guess what, his people likes it. Because when Doom is outta office, they bitch. And when he gets back in, they celebrate. Just like my beyotches. Don’t front.
Anyway, from this point on Doom begins his quest for world domination, and kicking Reed Richards in his nuts. He fuckin takes the Fantastic Four’s homebase, the Baxter Building and hurls the shit into space toward the sun, uses some alien Ovoid psychic mind transfer shit to put his brain into Reed’s body and have him doing funny shit, turns the FF against one another with some enchanted berry juice (jokes, if you will), and has a big drawn out smackdown with the Thing and has his fuckin’ hands crushed. And he don’t stop, fuckin’ up Reed and Sue’s wedding and eventually stealing the power cosmic from the Silver Surfer.
The dude has used everything from time machines, clones, robots, and the ancient arts in his goals for world domination. He even escaped death by transferring his mind into the head of another dude when his body is incinerated by the death of Galactus’s former herald, Terrax. And his Doombots get down to business, taking a young boy named Kristoff, and programming him with the memories of Doom, making him believe that he is Doom, himself. And shit gets tricky after that, because Doom had a lot of fake ass Doom’s running around and shit, Doom clones, Doom replicants, just a lot of weird shit. And they all come out of the woodwork claiming to be the real Doom. So, Kristoff Doom and the real fake Dooms start going at it, essentially causing a civil war in Latveria, until the real Doom pops back on the scene and does some mumbo-jumbo Def Poetry Jam word speak, and Kristoff is back to himself, and the real Doom reclaims his throne.
Of course we all know that Charles Xavier goes batty and Onslaught pops up, taking out most of Earth’s heroes. Franklin Richards, the baby boy of Reed and Sue, creates a bubble universe where he places the saved heroes, one of which is Doom who was on the side of good, seeing that he wanted to rule no world where everyone had been killed. The heroes are eventually returned to the real Marvel Universe, and Doom uses the opportunity to take over the bubble universe that Franklin created. He finally gets tired of world domination, because for Doom, it’s all about the journey. He finally returns to the Marvel Universe and begins again his road to world domination again.
In his final battle, Doom returns to further torment Reed. He sends Franklin to hell and switches the powers of the FF, resulting in scenes of Sue burning alive from being given Johnny’s powers. The only way Reed is able to stop Doom is by accepting and using the black arts, which is unthinkable to Reed, eventually returning Franklin from hell and saving his teammates. Doom is eventually sent to Hell, but not without leaving a permanent remainder of the battle, by scarring Reed’s face.
Like most villains, the great ones are simple mirror images of the heroes they face. Reed is Doom without the scarring, at least until recently, and look at what an asshole Reed becomes. Both men are overly arrogant and vain. And Reed doesn’t have the excuse of racial persecution and seeing his parents die at an early age. He doesn’t have the pain of knowing that his mother is burning in Hell, Doom eventually having to trick his mother to renounce her love for him so that she would be released by Mephisto, the devil in the Marvel Universe. And Reed never has to live with a disfigurement, until recently. Point being, that it was unavoidable, destiny if you will. How could Doom not become Doom?
And how can a man such as Reed find fault, a greater higher morality, when he had never faced the hardships that would eventually overshadow the goodness in the child Doom. Doom is natural, environmental evolution, the result of circumstances beyond control determining ends undesired. Like many who have faced hardship, you find that the only way to survive, to continue to hold some small grasp of sanity is by overcoming hardship in overwhelming ways, if only because the circumstance require that to just be on level with those more fortunate. And many falter extremely, accepting unconventional, often brutal ways to survive at what we consider to be on that same level. Doom is the essence of both: extreme intellect, coupled with undeniable brutality. Colin Powell meets Mike Tyson.
And that’s why it is impossible not to root for Doom, who is the embodiment of self-made, his intellect of the magic arts and sciences already well advanced before entering college, the man who rose to brutish nobility, the peasant who would return home as conquering king, the man who ruled the world and turned away from it because it bored him. Here before you is the greatest villain ever to appear in four colors. Bow before his greatness. And honor the one they call Doom.
FF #5
Doom’s Armor
Negative Zone
Doom FAQ
BlogCritics: UNTHINKABLE
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