A Modest (Wrestling) Proposal
Special Weekend Edition.
Tried out my Smack-A-Beyotch program, and let me tell you that that shit didn’t work one bit. In fact, I think I might be able to have babies now, because one woman kicked me so hard in my nuts, I think I might have ovaries now. I guess that proves that a man should never hit a woman, unless she has a gun or a knife, or a bomb, or if she’s loud talking him. I still stand by Snoop: if a woman’s loud talking you, the Bible says you should smack the shit out of her. Those are the exact words Moses, or was it Jesus, spoke to the people in Nazer.., er, Isrea.., uh, someplace biblical. It’s true. Of course, the Bible also says if there aren’t any women around that aren’t related to you, you should bone your daughters, or your sisters, or your cousins. So, take it as you will.
Anyway, a couple of months ago I championed the rise of Booker T in the ranks of the WWE. By switching him to Smackdown, he could finally return to the main event standings. Unfortunately, Booker T hasn’t lived up to my expectations. His matches have been dreadful as of late. And I honestly believe he needs to either step up his game, or be forced back down into the mid-card ranks. Of course, there’s a third option. He could retire. But I doubt if that’s likely. I just don’t think Booker saved up enough ole’ folk dough in order for him to retire. Which means that he’s destined to continue to stink up our tv screens with his wrestling crap.
And therefore I propose that we send him back to Raw so that he can battle with the likes of Gene Snitsky and Simon Dean. In exchange, Smackdown would get the rejuvenated Edge. Edge has proven himself a main eventer. I enjoyed his matches with Shawn Micheals and Triple H. And Smackdown needs some new upper main event blood. The Smackdown roster is still pretty thin, which is the only reason I can assume that Kenzo Suzuki has been kept around. Anybody that makes Eddie look bad in the ring needs to be released. But there’s nobody to replace him.
Bringing Edge over makes sense even for Raw. Edge has gone through Chris Benoit, Shawn Micheals, Triple H. The future just doesn’t look all that bright for the man. I mean, has he faced Kane, or the Hurricane, or Tyson Tomko? You get where I’m going with this. While on Smackdown, he could start new feuds with Kurt Angle, Eddie Guerrero, John Cena, and RVD, when he returns. It’ll be almost a whole year before he would be forced to face the likes of JBL, the Big Show, and the Undertaker. He could even do a program with Rey Mysterio. Shit, it makes sense to me.
As you can tell, I’m a Smackdown lover. Not because it’s a better show. More like the opposite. I like it because it has always felt like the bastard child of the WWE. Wasn’t the Rock supposed to be exclusive to Smackdown. But he left, and to make his brief appearances more like suprises, I’m sure it made sense to feature him on Raw, which isn’t taped like Smackdown. I don’t know if it’s me, but didn’t Raw look better in Japan than Smackdown. Raw just looks better, and it sounds better, too. And all the stars are on Raw. Raw is overloaded with stars.
Smackdown has always been the place where they try out new faces. Batista, Orton, Cena, all made their debut on Smackdown. Smackdown has always had to do with less. And for the most part, it has succeeded. Up until last year, Smackdown was the show you went to for workrate. Angle, Edge, Mysterio, Benoit, Guerrero were all on Smackdown. They controlled the heavyweight division and the tag division, and even the cruiserweight division. It was a place where wasted stars on Raw found redemption. Anybody remember Mattitude? It was where the next big thing became a wrestling phenomenom. Brock Lesnar went from a two dimensional, non-speaking, powerhouse, to a fully well-rounded wrestler. And then it all went to dirt.
Edge went out with neck problems. Hardy and Benoit were switched back to Raw. Lesnar bailed out on the company for a failed football career. And Angle faced being paralyzed from chronic neck problems from when he broke his neck when he was a amateur wrestler. Eddie was given the belt, and was eventually screwed, because he was forced to program with an untested Bradshaw in the heavyweight ranks. His reign became a disappointment, and the belt was eventually given to Bradshaw, rechristened, JBL. JBL redefined himself as the chicken-shit champion. And over a half year later, we find him still champion, his success due to his above average mic skills, because he’s truly below average in the ring, him and his beer gut.
That’s why all of us Smackdown lovers hope that “trades” are in the future because we can’t live with this shit anymore. We need some credible wrestlers in the ring. We need the return of the workrate we became accustomed to. We need our wrestlers back. Raw doesn’t need Hardy. They hate Hardy. Why else would they have him wrestling Kane in that Lita-Hardy-Kane crap from last year. Give us back our Mattitude. We also would like Chris Jericho, and possibly, Chris Benoit. Maybe even Shelton Benjamin, although I think I might be asking for too much there.
I know none of the wrestlers want to work on Smackdown. It’s a show that’s going to the dirt. But I remember when it was the greatest wrestling show on television. Of course. that ain’t saying much, because there were only two, maybe three if you count those TNA PPVs, that were on television at the time. But you know what I mean. And if you don’t, act like you do. That’ll make it easier on both you and me.
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