Everybody Hates Doc
I hate network comedies. Why? Because those shows are completely unrealistic. They always got some fat greasy According-To-Jim type dude married to some hot mamacita like Courtney Thorne Smith. That shit ain’t right. How the fuck could a Jim Belushi-type dude end up with a hot piece of ass like Courtney? That shit don’t even look right.
And what’s even more amazing about this show is that they got a fat-headed giant belly dude playing Courtney’s brother. How the fuck did that ugly muthafucka come out the same womb that Courtney and her hot ass lil sister come out of? When I first caught that show, I thought that fat dude was just Jim’s buddy or co-worker. But they had to suspend that level of disbelief and make him part of the family. I swear, I completely lost it. I decided on that day that I would never watch that show ever again. Of course, I was lying.
I recently caught the show. And I could have sworn that Courtney’s headlights were showing. I’m thinking, that shit can’t be right. This is supposed to be a family show, right? And she has this tight ass sweater, or t-shirt, or whatever, and her nipples are poking right through. It was completely obvious. I couldn’t even pay attention to what was going on in the scene. Not that that really mattered much. I mean, it was According to Jim. But still, edit, reshoot the scene, do something. I know if I noticed that shit, everybody who watched that shit noticed it, too. Which makes it even more unbelievable that a greasy ass muthafucka like Belushi would be poking a hot piece of ass like Courtney on a regular basis. That shit ain’t right.
Hot chicks don’t end up with greaseballs, unless, of course, they got dough. Hot chicks end up with hot dudes, or fucked up dudes with major bank accounts. And average type chicks end up with decent looking dudes, or good looking dudes, or balding dudes with a little cash in the bank. If a beyotch is a crackhead, she ain’t fucking just another crackhead, she’s another crackhead who can get her crack, or a sober dude who can get her crack, or the muthafuckin’ crack dealer, himself. If you can’t get a beyotch crack, she ain’t fuckin with you.
It’s like the Clinton Plan. You got a beyotch like Hillary and she hooks up with some fucked up, hot wing eating redneck who wouldn’t mind slurping beer and killing possums all day. And she thinks, I ain’t fuckin with him, unless I get his ass doing something respectful, something I won’t be ashamed about. So, this Hillary chick nags and bullshits and pulls this Willy dude by his nuts all the way through law school, and ultimately, to politics. She gets his ass in the Governors chair, and later, into the presidency.
Now the thing is, this Willy type dude probably would have been just as happy back in Arkansas fuckin chickens and shit. But since this Hillary beyotch been programming his ass, this Willy dude can’t see himself without politics, or without her. He thinking, knowing this Hillary chick ain’t been all bad. I mean he ain’t in Arkansas, and he ain’t dead like he’s supposed to be, and part of him knows that he wouldn’t be healthy and rich if it wasn’t for this beyotch. And all he had to do was give his life up to her, lose any speck of personal liberty and freedom, and accept nagging as his primary way of communication. And shit, to get back at the beyotch, to rebel, all he has to do is bang fucked up greasy beyotches behind his woman’s back every once and awhile. And don’t it make that shit extra sweet when them affairs get leaked to the public.
The only thing Willy don’t know is that Hillary has been planning her own future as well. When he leaves the presidency, she’s planning on running for Congress. And that’s when the real bad shit starts. There’s a reason why chicks use the excuse that they’ve outgrown you. What that really means is that she was broke and fucked up when she met you, and now that she’s got a little dough, yo’ ass is history. See, Hillary has been plotting self-determination since the day she met him, and partly, she’s been using Willy to get there. Eventually Hillary will have outgrown Willy and she will eventually kick his ass to the gutter.
Now, that’s the type of shit a real family comedy should be based on. Let’s say a show is created called The Franklin Show. Now, I play this wise crackin, honky hating, black dude living in the city with his hot ass wife and their two adorable children. My wife would have to be played by somebody hot like Vanessa Williams. Now, you might find that choice quite odd because, well, Vanessa is kinda of old. But recently, I saw this Johnson Family Vacation movie and Vanessa Williams was looking kind of hot in that shit. In fact, I was staring at her ass more than I was looking at Beyonce’s sister, who plays the daughter in the movie. Funny thing, I kept laughing for no apparent reason whenever her ass popped on the screen. I think it had something to do with her being married and pregnant by the time she turned 17. If I didn’t know how rich and uppity the Knowles were, I could’ve sworn I grew up next to this fuckas in the projects.
Anyway, back to my show. I wouldn’t mind Vanessa playing my wife, although Beyonce would be nicer. Me and Beyonce live in this nice big fuckin house in the city, and her mother lives in the attic. Not the basement, but the attic. And across the street there’s this white Republican couple who always likes dropping by our house. They’d have to be named something really white like Biff and Tammy. Of course, I call them cracker or honky every show. I know this has been done before on the Jeffersons, but I’d put a new spin on it like hook-ass crackas, or Saltines, Saltine ass honkies, or Ritz eating devils, some shit like that.
And the new spin is that Beyonce, my hot wife, will be plotting and nagging me every episode into bigger and better things. And like a man, my job will be to keep her ass down with every opportunity. She’ll nag me to go for shitty ass jobs I don’t want, and I’ll be trying to get her pregnant every week. A beyotch ain’t good if she ain’t broke, naked and pregnant. And that’s what my character’ll be going for every week. And our kids’ll get in the act, too. Except they’ll be really fucked up. One of our kids’ll be a thirteen year old horny slut. And our seven year old boy’ll be killing small animals and trying to molest his best female friend. Of course, there will be a old white bitch on the show just so I can say I ain’t kissin’ no old white beyotch every other week.
I personally think this shit’ll be a classic, a fuckin’ hit. Plus, it’ll be edgy enough that the hipsters and the fuckin’ wasteland bloggers will write about my shit. Jesse, Sharpton and the other uppity negros will have to grandstand and protest against my amazing piece of work. The shit’ll blow up. Eventually, people will be saying my catchphrases on the street. And I’ll get tired of that shit. And when the show ends, I’ll go into seclusion and nobody will hear from me for decades. I’ll die. And the world will proclaim me the greatest comedian ever.
Yeah. I like that shit.
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